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Separation:
What to Do and What Not to Do
Do reassure
your children that your breakup had nothing to do with them.
Do reaffirm
that both parents love them and care for them. Even when you
feel the other parent needs a dose of maturity, children need
to know they are loved.
Do maintain
consistency and discipline. Too often parents relax the rules
during a separation because they want to influence the child's
loyalty or they're too exhausted to be firm. Consistency and
discipline ensure stability.
Do allow
your children the right to their own emotions. Help them cope
with all feelings, even the difficult ones.
Don't flaunt new relationships and potential stepchildren in front of them. Some
parents do this to replace the family concept they wanted to
work so badly but failed at. Others hope word will leak
to their estranged spouse. It's not appropriate unless a long-
term relationship develops. You shouldn't be dating in place
of spending time with your kids. Besides, should your new beau
depart, it's an emotional rerun for them.
Do gain
independence. Children benefit from seeing that both parents
can cook, balance a checkbook, and mow the lawn.
Do ask
children to do age-appropriate tasks to help around the house.
Preschoolers can keep their rooms neat, wipe their feet, put
dirty clothing in the hamper, and set the table. As they grow,
ask your kids to make their beds, clear the table, wash and
dry dishes, rake leaves, and unpack groceries. Teens can prepare
simple meals, wash clothes, and clean parts of the house (yes,
even the bathroom!).
Don't threaten to send kids off to their dad. In the event that you slip up,
apologize quickly and reassure that you said things you regret.
Do remember
to be the parent. If you need a shoulder to lean on, try that
of a friend, another adult, a minister or a therapist. Protect
their childhood.
Don't overcompensate by buying things and indulging your kids.
Do realize
that though you might dub your former partner a failed husband,
he could be a successful father.