Five characteristics
of a healthy family
The ability to express anger
without denying love.
Children as well as adults need to be accepted for the full
range of human expression to feel loved. Conditional love involves
an emotional disconnection when anger arises. An inclusive love
accepts anger without emotional connection. (Practice saying
to your children, " I do love you and I am very angry about
your actions." Parents find that by saying this out loud
to young children, they can actually feel the difference of
their emotional love AND anger simultaneously in their physical
bodies. Both they and advertisement their child are reassured,
and anger can be expressed without the emotional withdrawal
which so often accompanied our own childhood experiences. Once
you have mastered this response with your children, try it with
your spouse when the opportunity arises!) Can members of your
family express anger without emotional withdrawal or lashing
out?
The ability
to accept differences in opinions and feelings.
Psychological safety is created in an atmosphere that does not
discount or denigrate an individual for his or her opinion,
but does allow for the passionate expression of differences.
This sets the stage for effective conflict resolution, too.
Problems can be solved and compromises reached when empathy
develops out of safe and full expression of differences. Is
there "room" for different viewpoints and opinions
in your family?
The ability
for clear and direct communication that allows feelings to be
expressed separately from action.
It is safe to have feelings when these feelings are acceptable
to have and not "acted out" on a family member. Families
that develop an atmosphere which tolerates ambivalent feelings
accepts the realities of
the human experience. For example: A mother may feel disappointed
that she cannot attend a social gathering of her colleagues
due to family responsibilities. Her feelings of disappointment
can be expressed (and met with empathy) as she chooses to forgo
her event. By making room for "unpopular" feelings,
resentment and guilt are more likely to be replaced by appreciation
and a fair sense of "give and take" in the future.
Is there "room" for feelings in your family?
The ability
for family members to depend on the larger community.
Families do not exist in isolation. Resources outside of the
family must be incorporated into family life for children and
adults to feel a part of a larger "whole" and to acquire
needed resources for development. A family atmosphere that is
supported by outside forces, such as a father's group for a
new father, or a mother's group for the mom allows for affiliations
and outlets for life's frustrations which may otherwise result
in internalized pressure in the family. Friendships, hobbies
and activities which help us release tension gives us more of
a buffer in our daily lives with those who are most intimate
to us. Though we develop family "spirit" and togetherness,
it must be balanced with a support network that extends beyond
the family. How healthy is your community network? Do you have
close friendships (other than your spouse, for example) that
you can talk to when you feel down or pressured? Men are particularly
vulnerable to ignoring the need to develop male friendships
and may overburden their marriage with ALL of their emotional
needs. If you are a single parent, who do you turn to for discussion
of your own ups and downs and troubles that naturally arise
in relationship with your children?
The ability
to gradually hand over age-appropriate decision-making to growing
children and support independence.
In a healthy family system, support to eventually separate from
the family is not viewed as a betrayal, but a natural resolution
to a child's growth. Connection allows for a child's growing
development away from the family, and healthy family connection
continues when there is a slow and evolving change towards adult
friendship, which gradually replaces parental-child interactions.
Families sometimes "get stuck" in negative parental-child
relationship patterns when parental responsibility is abrogated
too early, or a child's growing independent decision-making
is discouraged. Finding a healthy balance is the key to maintaining
healthy connections to your children over a lifetime! How did
your parents do? Did they maintain a vibrant relationship with
you through your adult years? How do you envision your relationship
with your children as adults?